Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
