I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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