your parents love me but you hate me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just want nice things and good sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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