Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think my mom watched the whole time
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
