You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
