why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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