she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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