So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
