I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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