I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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