I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
