I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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