I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
