Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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