I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
