THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
