i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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