Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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