I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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