I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
