Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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