Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
