now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
