Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't deserve a penis
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
