Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
