just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
