the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
