just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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