Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
