My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
