Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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