There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
