Sry I called you an 8
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
