I am puke
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
too bad you live with your parents still
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
