what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
