At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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