I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
