I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
