Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
