I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
