Tell her she can't have a vagina
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
