do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I could make wine with my vomit
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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