hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
