I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
