just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
