she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
