oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
