so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
