He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize