His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want a musical about memes.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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